Kirsten Just Needs To Be Found
by kikistrain
Summary: Kirsten is confused and lost after the crash from The Showdown. Based on trailers from 'The O.Sea'. Chapter 6 up. Finished.
1. Fury of the Kirsten

**Thanks to everyone for their lovely reviews and their constant encouragement. Special thanks to Emz (luv ya!) for always listening to my ideas and for the two Michelles for listening as well and encouraging me to write this. huggies to those three and Kerche for all her help too. I'm probably hyper at the minute so there may be some grammar and spelling mistakes lol.**

**This is for Emz!**

**Disclaimer – You know it by now, I don't own any OC character.**

**This is set after spoilers for The O.Sea and my imagination just took off. Lol. Enjoy

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Kirsten had been released from hospital the evening before and she was already feeling the shame and guilt of her crash a few days previously. She was sick of being in a hospital and she always hated hospitals. Hated being fussed over, hated a stranger asking how she felt and if she needed an extra pillow to make her more comfortable. Kirsten felt like screaming and that her head felt like someone was drilling to hole out of her skull, her ribs felt like they wanted to bend in a direction they weren't meant to go, her blood in her right leg wouldn't stop pulsating and the gash on her temple continued to taunt her by reminding her that she nearly died when she tried to drift off to sleep in the hospital bed.

At the hospital, Kirsten closed her eyes and tried to pretend that she was asleep so she wouldn't have to endure her husband's disappointed gaze and her sons' lost and confused expressions. They didn't look at her the way they used to; with complete adoration.

Coming home in the car, she was a ghost of the confident woman she was before. Before; she never hesitated getting into a car but that was then. Now; when Sandy wheeled her to the car, she tensed up. She remembered the crash, she remembered the twisting and bending of the metal that made up the Range Rover's body and she could feel the twisting and bending of her own body. Good thing they took her home in the Beemer for she would never go near the Range Rover for a while yet.

At this moment is time, she was looking out the window to the beach and ocean in her bedroom in the morning frowning sadly as she ribs made it hard to breathe. Quietly Sandy came up behind her and gently wrapped his arms around her svelte waist and delicately kissed her blonde hair.

"Morning."

"Hey," she replied sadly.

"You ok?"

Kirsten sighed before replying, "Better . . . . . . . . but . . . still a bit sore now and then."

"I'm sorry baby."

"No . . . I'm sorry for everything."

"Look, you were trying to tell me something and I wouldn't listen I was so set in my ways," Sandy whispered as he gently turned her to face him.

Kirsten looked out of the corner of her eyes sadly and listened to his words but the flash backs from that night lingered in her mind. _"I'm coming home . . . I thought I was losing you . . . I love you,"_ and that was that. The words exchanged between them before she woke up in a hospital bed with a bandage wrapped several times around her head and her left wrist.

"I was being stupid . . . and I didn't listen to you."

"Aw baby I hurt you and you were handling it the way you wanted to . . . and I was so worried about you when you left the house."

"I'm sorry."

"Hey sweetie, stop apologizing . . . don't put yourself under added and undue stress ok?" he said rubbing her arms gently, "I wanna take care of you now and . . . it is nine o'clock Misses and time for breakfast so come on. I'll make you the Sandy Cohen special," he said offering his hand.

Smiling at his goofy mood and the offer of the 'Sandy Cohen Special' for breakfast she giggled quickly and took his strong hand in her delicate and frail hand.

When had she become frail?

When anyone thought of Kirsten Cohen they used the words; intelligent, strong, entrepreneur, shrewd, protective, beautiful and as perfection personified but never would they have used the word 'frail'.

With her hand secure in her husbands she slowly walked with him to the kitchen.

When they arrived there he pulled out the stool at the end of the kitchen island for her and let her ease herself onto it and he had to restrain himself from placing his hands on her waist and help her up but he didn't for he knew Kirsten would want to do this by herself.

After she was content where she sat and was comfortable he turned and quickly busied himself around the kitchen and handed her a glass of water. He then went to the freezer and got some ice cubes out and dropped them into the calm water. Kirsten looked at the water and saw how it compared to her life. One moment it was calm and stable like the water then something big came along and shattered that tranquillity.

But.

After that.

It becomes calm again.

After a while of course.

'I'll be ok' she thought as she lifted the glass and took a drink.

"What am I going to do Sandy? I mean, I'm just . . . lost right now," she said dropping her head half-heartedly onto her hand as it propped up on the counter.

"Well, I'll help you find you again," he said as he draped his arm around his wife and pulled her gently to him and lightly kissed her hair.

Kirsten let out a relieved sigh as she took another drink. The neutral liquid was refreshing against her throat which had felt like parchment paper all morning but a part of her craved the burning sensation of vodka. Setting the nearly empty glass down she turned her head into Sandy's chest and cried, "I love you . . . so much."

"I know sweetie, I love you too," he replied as he wrapped his other arm around her as he felt her arms desperately cling onto his shirt and around his back. Just as he thought 'Nothing can wreck this moment' his peaceful instant with his injured and broken wife was interrupted by the doorbell.

"You don't have to get it," Kirsten said tightening her already tight grip on him.

Sandy didn't even make a move to leave his wife because he had missed having her in his arms and he wasn't about to let her go after what just had happened to her. The thought of being able to lose her became even more realised and he never wanted to lose her or let her leave again.

The doorbell rang again but they still refused to move from each others arms.

Then it rang again.

And again.

And again.

And yet again.

Irritated Kirsten sighed and Sandy gently lifted her chin so she would look at him.

"I'll get it but I'll send them away ok?

Kirsten nodded sadly as he left to room.

She stood and refilled the glass with water and leaned against the kitchen counter taking a lingering sip and massaging her neck.

"I don't care what you say Sanford, she is my daughter and I want to see her," Caleb's voice roared as he came ever closer to the kitchen.

Kirsten rolled her eyes furiously and took another sip of water.

"What are you doing?" Caleb asked Kirsten as he entered the kitchen seeing her drinking a clear liquid.

"Drinking."

"You shouldn't be! Sanford what is she doing drinking?"

"Water Cal! Kirsten is drinking water!"

"Check it if you don't believe me," Kirsten said holding out the glass to her father but he refused to justify her comment with a response and just stared at her. "What do you want dad?"

"To talk to you."

"Well I'm sure I don't wanna talk to you."

"It's about your job."

Kirsten looked up at him, "What about it?"

"I went through your office and found three empty bottles of alcohol."

"You went through my office?" Kirsten asked angrily as her rage increased.

"You won't be coming back to work until you stop drinking!"

"What?"

"Sanford do you mind giving us a few minutes?" Caleb asked.

"No way Cal, I'm not leaving."

But before Caleb could continue speaking the phone rang and Sandy quickly answered it and took it into the living room signalling to Kirsten to which she nodded.

"Kirsten I'm worried about you."

"Really . . . I guess it's better late than never," she replied tucking her hair back.

"You're an alcoholic, you're screwed up, and you're screwing this family up!" he said raising his voice.

"If this family is screwed up it's because of you!" she screamed in rage and her face contorted to show her pure hatred for her father's attempt at being a father, "You've screwed everyone up! Sandy, Seth, Ryan, Marissa and you drove my two sisters away! Lindsay didn't stick around and Hailey is on the other side of the planet. You've been screwing me up since the day I was born!" Her rage was continuing to grow and it was reaching a climax quickly.

"Don't you talk to me like that Kiki; I am still your father!"

"Stop calling me that!"

That comment of Caleb's and the use of the much hated nickname pushed Kirsten over the edge and she picked up the glass tumbler and forcefully threw it to the ground beside her barely flinching as the shards flew in all directions and vectors.

Caleb was startled by his daughter's action.

"See what I mean?" he said, "You need help!"

"I do not your help 'dad'!" she screamed as she tightened her eyes in rage at Caleb Nichol.

"Yes you do!"

"I'm leaving," Kirsten said as she moved around the shards of glass to exit the kitchen but Caleb moved in front of her path, "Get out of my way dad!"

"The only way you are leaving is through me," he said folding his arms and said firmly.

"Fine!"

Retracing her steps around the glass she moved along the counter and out the back door to the backyard and slammed it behind her.

"Kirsten! Get back here!" Caleb exclaimed after her but he knew fine rightly she wouldn't.

When Caleb was about to go after her Sandy came back into the room after hearing the elevated voices and the smashing of glass and stopped Caleb from moving.

"What happened? Where did Kirsten go?"

"She went bizerk and went out the back door," he replied edging towards the door.

"And where do you think you're going?" Sandy asked as he placed the phone back in its cradle.

"I'm going after my daughter."

"No you're not."

"Sandy she's my daughter and I can speak to her if I want."

"Not right now you can't. You can't come in here and put her under that kinda stress and upset her like that and expect me to let you go after her because she might kill you because God knows I want to . . . I want you to leave."

"Don't you tell me what I can and cannot do when it comes to my daughter!"

"You're damned right I can because that is my wife you are talking about and I know her way better than you do and I have been there for her more than you ever have and I would never speak to her like you have today! So I am not asking you to leave, I am telling you to leave!" Sandy said as his voice started to rise.

"Just be glad that she loves you so damned much or I would have you killed for speaking to me like that," Caleb threatened.

"Some father you are . . . you'd hurt your daughter just to get rid of me . . . now get out before I throw something at you and you can come back when you will not talk to my wife like that, your daughter like that!"

With that Caleb trudged his way out of the house.

When Sandy heard the front door close he looked out the kitchen window to see Kirsten standing by the pool with her arms wrapped around herself as she tightened her sash on her robe.

Stepping over the shards of glass he followed her path earlier out to the back garden.

"Honey?" he asked letting her know that he was not Caleb.

Hearing the voice of her true love she turned her head sadly to look at him and his love filled eyes.

"Is he gone?" she asked scratchily from her tears.

"Yeh . . . he's gone," he said moving closer.

When he came to a stop beside her, she fell into his arms and cried, "Why now? Why did he suddenly decide to become a father now?"

"I dunno honey . . . he was just angry."

"And he didn't even go about it like a father . . . and hurt me again."

"Ssh baby sssh, don't go upsetting yourself, he's a jackass, we all know it."

Kirsten laughed into his chest at his comment and Sandy rubbing her back soothingly.

"Ahh there you are . . . I knew that smile would come back," he said comfortingly as he looked at her smile and wiped an escaped tear away.

"Thank you."

"Anything for you Kirsten."

Closing her eyes and smiling she leaned forward and kissed him on the lips.

He responded with his own kiss and they remained in their lingering kiss with their arms around each other in the California sun.

Breaking away Kirsten clenched her eyes closed and placed her hand to her temple where her gash was but she didn't actually place her hand on the wound as of fear of increasing the pain she was feeling.

"Honey you ok?"

"Fine . . . just a h-headache . . . that's all."

"You sure?"

"Yeh," she breathed, "I'm gonna go lie down if that's ok.

"Of course, go rest and if you need anything just yell ok."

"You'll be the first to know," she smiled kissing his cheek before turning and walking towards to bedroom door.

"Hey Kirsten?" Sandy asked as she limped away.

Hearing her name, Kirsten turned back around to Sandy, "Yeh?"

"Want me to tuck you in?"

Smiling angelically at his questions she sarcastically thought about his offer and chewed her bottom lip thinking.

"Always," she replied extending her hand.

Sandy closed the small gap between him and Kirsten and put his arm around her shoulder and escorted her to the bedroom.

When they were in the room he stopped her at the end of the bed, "Wait here," he gestured as he moved towards the head of the bed and pulled back the covers and fluffed her pillow all the while smiling at her as she laughed at his shenanigans.

When he was satisfied with his preparations for his princess to go to sleep; he was almost tempted to go to the kitchen and get a pea to put under the mattress but she needed her sleep, so he extended his hands to her and brought her to the bed and wrapped his arms around her.

"You're bed is ready m'lady," he said in an English accent.

"Thank you," she replied in the same accent and kissed him after encircling his neck with her arms.

After the kiss Sandy gently took off her robe and folded it over the sofa arm at the end of the bed. He quickly returned to Kirsten and kissed her forehead and helped her lower herself into the bed and pulled the covers up to her chin and smoothed it down as she snuggled up in the sheets and sculpted the pillow to suit her head and make it more comfortable.

"Thank you baby," Kirsten said as she took Sandy's hand in hers.

"Anything for my princess," he said kissing the back of her hand, "Now get some rest and I'll make sure no one disturbs you."

"No one?"

"Well I might disturb you," he smiled.

"That's the best way to be disturbed," she said pulled him down to kiss her one more time.

"Now sleep time," he ordered.

"Yeh because looking at you has made me sleepy."

"Hey," he said feigning hurt, "Well if that's a way to get you to sleep then I'm ok with it," he continued closing the blinds so the sun light wouldn't keep her awake.

"Wake me up for lunch will you?"

"Sure."

"The doctors said I needed to keep up my strength."

"No problem sweetie . . . hasta comida . . . till lunch," he said at the door as he blew her a kiss.

She caught his kiss and planted it on her cheek and blew her own to Sandy which apparently planted itself on his heart. She smiled again and Sandy mouthed 'Sweet dreams' to her and closed to door to let her sleep.

She pulled the sheets up to and under her ear and curled her arms under her head and pillow as sleep began to take over and as she breathed in the scent that had imprinted itself in the sheets over the numerous years they had been married. It silenced the throbbing headache and calmed her aching ribs and it was natural remedy for insomnia because she dozed right off to sleep.

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**Ok my darlings, that is just the tip of the iceberg because Kirsten will make a 'drastic' decision in the next chapter, so please please please review because that will encourage me to get it up for Saturday. Emz and Michelles, keep quiet about the upcoming chapters so ssh! Lol. Kazzie.**


	2. Decision to Run

**Ok, pure maths revision went really well yesterday so I wrote this chapter last night while watching Battlestar Galactica last night on Sky Movies lol. So this is the next chapter obviously and considering what actually happened in The O.Sea I have added a kinda little twist to the original ending I had planned which will probably be the fourth chapter. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer – I, not now or have I ever owned an OC character so I don't own them.**

**This is for all the msn girls, Michelle, Emz, Sunny, Michelle (britgirl2003)and Ally. Luv yas and I write for you.

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"Kirsten?" Sandy asked as he delicately knocked the door to the bedroom.

He got no answer so he quietly opened the door asking, "Honey?" while doing so.

Kirsten was standing in front of the mirror that he once stood in front of before she kissed him passionately to reassure herself he still found her attractive as opposed to his colleague Rachel. He remembered it as if it was yesterday. Her lips on his, the black dress and how it moved and he wrapped his arms around her waist as she lay on top of him and how her thigh prevented him from getting his phone out of his pocket.

"Kirsten?" he asked again as he stepped silently over to her.

Kirsten didn't acknowledge his presence and continued to stare into the mirror examining and scrutinizing her appearance. Her hair was lifeless and dishevelled; her skin was bruised and alien to her. Her skin used to be so full of life and impeccable, no blemishes, no zits, and no wrinkles but now it had caught up with her and she was simple dead inside. The eyes that looked back at her had characteristics that belonged to her father's eyes; loveless, shadowy, lifeless and completely devoid of any emotion that even the simplest human being felt.

'_It's just a moment, this time will pass'_. She heard that line ages ago while listening to a CD she couldn't remember the name of but she kept repeating that to herself as a mantra. _'It will pass . . . it will'_.

'_And miles to go before I sleep'_. That was the line that closed the poem '_Stopping by Woods on a Snowing Evening_," and she remembered when she was younger she would repeat that to herself before something major like exams and she remembered saying it when her mother died.

'_I have a lot of work to do before I can say I am normal'_ she thought staring at the mirror but her image in the mirror simply screamed back, "_Normal? Ha, when were you ever normal huh? You've ruined your life you stupid bitch, look at yourself; you can't even accept yourself like this, what makes you think Sandy will? The once powerful Kirsten Cohen is now a pathetic little pustule who drinks herself into comas!"_

Caught by the voice of the mirror she was oblivious to Sandy approaching her or the echo of her name in his voice.

Sandy lightly stepped towards Kirsten and stopped behind her expecting her to notice his reflection in the mirror but her eyes held the mirror and refused to move or blink for that matter.

"Honey?" he asked for the umpteenth time as he gently settled his hand on her shoulder.

His touch brought her out of her reverie and delusion as she sighed and closed her eyes and placed her hand on top of his on her shoulder.

"Hey," she whispered and Sandy had to strain to hear her tiny voice.

"You ok?"

"Yeh . . . just thinking."

"About me?" he smiled.

"You wish."

"I do actually," he laughed as he settled his head beside hers and he looked at them in the mirror, "Boy that's a cute couple."

"Yeh . . . pity one of them looks like an ogre."

"Thanks a lot," Sandy assumed sarcastically trying to cheer her up.

"You know what I meant," she replied miserably, "I look like an ogre . . . I don't look like me anymore; like the Kirsten you know."

"Baby, you are the Kirsten I know and she isn't here," he said circling his hand over her face, "but she's here," Sandy finished placing his hand over her chest.

"You think?" she asked needing him to reassure her.

"Of course, I wouldn't've said it otherwise," he replied kissing her hair.

Taking his hands that were resting on her hips, Kirsten wrapped them around her waist and gently swayed from side to side to a romantic love song that fluttered in their heads. It wasn't necessarily the same song but the sentiment was there.

"You want lunch?" Sandy asked.

"I'd love some lunch thank you," she replied as Sandy gently backed her away from the mirror still wrapped in his secure arms. She giggled quietly as they continued to move but mutually broke apart to walk to rest of the distance to the kitchen.

Sandy had prepared a simple meal for her for he knew her stomach was bruised from the crash and caused her a bit of pain and she had problems swallowing certain types of food so being the caring husband he was he took that into consideration. So he prepared ham and lettuce sandwiches with pasta in a tomato sauce with water and as her 'sin' vanilla ice cream was chilled in the freezer waiting for her with strawberry pieces.

"This looks delicious," she commented as she laid eyes on the selection of food.

"It tastes better."

"Seeing as you made it and not me I have no doubt in that," she said taking a seat on the same stool she sat in hours earlier.

Before Sandy could sit down the phone rang and wordlessly he said that he would answer it.

"Hello," he answered, "Oh hello . . . she's doing grand . . ."

Hearing the 'she' in his sentence Kirsten instantly knew that he was talking about her. Maybe it was her father asking Sandy how she was after yesterday or someone else feeling obligated to check up on her.

"Uh-huh . . . yeh of course," Sandy covered the mouth piece of the phone and handed it to her, "It's Doctor Reynolds, he wants to speak to you."

"Me? Why?" she asked quickly.

"See how you are? Get your perspective on your recuperation?"

"Ok," she replied exasperated taking the phone, "Hello . . . I'm ok thanks . . . better than I was in the hospital I can tell you . . . uh huh . . . no . . . no not this again," she said firmly into the phone, "I told you yesterday that I wasn't doing it . . . no . . . stop forcing it on me ok . . . I don't need it . . . ok I will . . . goodbye," she said as normally as she could before ending the call.

"What was that about?" Sandy enquired at her tone to the doctor.

"Just Doctor Reynolds suggesting the same thing as yesterday . . . seeing if I changed my mind," she recalled absentmindedly as she circled her finger around the rim of the water glass.

"Rehab?"

"And I told him I wasn't going to do it."

"Yeh I got that from your end."

"I wanted to tell him to go to hell for suggesting it but he's done too much already."

"So you're not gonna get help?"

"Get help?" Kirsten repeated looking up at him, "Sandy I don't need help."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yeh."

"Kirsten you nearly got yourself killed because'a your drinking. I found you passed out because of it and you even spiked your tomato juice with vodka! Vodka Kirsten!"

"Don't you think I know I almost got myself killed?" she asked as her voice rose, "Every time I look at myself in the mirror I remember, every time I walk I remember and every time Seth or Ryan refuse to look at me I – remember!"

"Kirsten I have known for the last few years that you like a drink when you are upset but lately it has gotten outta control . . . you need help.

"Oh so you're siding with my father in you campaign to 'Help Kirsten'!" she said as a statement rather than a question.

"No I'm not."

"Then what? You wanna send me away don't you? You wanna get rid of me so you don't have to look at me anymore, you can't stand looking at this face or this body that the Kirsten you once knew is still trapped in or probably dead for all I know! You wanna let someone else put Humpty Dumptey back together again because you couldn't be bothered and so you won't have to look at this!" she screamed indicating her temple.

"No it's not that," he replied matching her volume, "It's just I don't know who you are right now," Sandy finished quieter.

"Yeh?" Kirsten asked, "Well me either," she cried.

"What?"

Sandy took a seat beside her on the stool adjacent to hers.

"I don't know who I am anymore . . . all I know is who I'm supposed to be and I don't know how to be that."

"Oh Kirsten."

He took her into his arms for the fifth time that day.

"So many people expect so much from me," she cried into his shoulder as her body shook.

"What do you mean?"

"Seth expects me to be his mom but he never talks to me anymore and I can't be her as much as I have tried; I wanted to give Ryan a mother he deserves and I give him this . . . I gave him what he needed to get away from. My dad expects me to be his perfect little Kiki," her bitterness was inflected on 'Kiki'; "Everyone expects me to be the Newport Princess I was born and raised to be and I don't wanna be her . . . I just wanna be Kirsten."

Kirsten paused taking a shaky breath through her tears.

"I just wanna be Kirsten Cohen. I don't wanna be an alcoholic, I don't wanna be alone, I wanna be the woman you fell I love with."

Holding Kirsten in his arms, he rubbed his hands up and down her back for over the past twenty years he had learned that his simplest touch comforted her. He soothingly caressed her back and set his hand on her hair.

"Nothing you can change about you could make me stop falling in love with you."

"You mean that?"

"Of course I do."

"I love you."

"I love you too . . . and I just want you to get better . . . . in your own time."

"Thank you."

They remained like that until the barely audible rumble of Kirsten's stomach interrupted them.

"Let's get you some food huh?"

"Yep, I agree or the doctor will admit me for not eating," she replied sorrowfully as she took a small bite of a sandwich to power her weary and petite body.

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That night in bed Kirsten woke up suddenly in a cold sweat and awoke with an urgent need to breathe. She craved her husband's arms and calming words but Sandy was still peacefully asleep. Kirsten looked at his motionless form and she didn't want to wake him and burden him any more than she already has. 

She gently removed the covers from her sore body and swung her bruise legs out and stood up. Sleepily she walked through the darkened room through the closet to the bathroom and washed the sweat off her face with cold water relishing in the soothing effect it had on her skin. Dabbing her face dry she looked at herself in the mirror and she didn't recognise her reflection.

'_Who am I'_ she asked herself.

'_I don't know who I am'_ her mind answered as she placed her fingertips on the mirror over the sink.

'_There is only one place where I can find myself'_ Kirsten whispered softly taking a deep breath and plastering a serious look on her face. She lifted a bobble she kept in the bathroom and looped her hair into a messy bun and walked back into the closet exchanging her pyjamas for jeans, a black t-shirt and sneakers. She quickly wrapped a sweater around her waist and looked around.

Taking out a backpack she folded some clothes quietly taking extra care not to disturb Sandy.

Content with the clothes she had packed Kirsten went back into the bathroom and packed a few items and included an item she thought she might need and placed it amongst her other belongings in the bag and zipped it closed.

Kirsten walked back into the darkened room and let the soft light of the bathroom flow over Sandy.

Kirsten couldn't believe that she was going to do what she was about to do but she felt she had to, to save her sanity and to see who she is and to find a reason why should even try to save herself from a problem everyone saw but her.

Going to her beside table drawer she took out a piece of paper and pen to scrawl quickly;

"_I'm sorry_

_Kirsten_" in her shaking and nervous cursive handwriting and set it on her pillow.

Pulling the coves back over the space she vacated Kirsten slung her back over her shoulder and pulled the second strap up onto her other shoulder and headed for the door out to the backyard.

Kirsten pressed down the handle and pulled it open slightly. Looking back at Sandy one more time, she absorbed his sleeping form and whispered as she exhaled, "I love you . . . but I have to do this."

She pulled the door open even more and walked out closing it behind her quietly. There was no sign that it interrupted Sandy's sleep so she smiled sadly as she wiped a tear away from her cheek.

Adjusting the straps of her backpack she took one last look at her house and her life before she turned her back and walked down the side of the house alone as the cold night air prickled her skin.

At the bottom of the small incline she had gone up and down countless times, she realised she had went down it for the last time. For a while anyway.

She left her family.

She left herself.

She left Sandy.

She just left.

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**Where is she going? Only I know that . . . well three other people do but that's besides the point lol. **

**Please please review and make my revision go even better because pure maths, as much fun as it is, I love the OC and Kirsten even more. So please review and you will see where Kirsten is going. Where do you think she's going? Emz and Michelles – keep quiet please :p lol**


	3. Where her heart brought her

**I just had to get this up quickly cuz I don't know when I will have free time to do so so here it is. People have been asking 'Where is she going' and I have received some imaginative ideas from Sunny but after much asking I told her where Kirsten goes so Sunny, quiet! Lol. I have incorporated some of Sunny's ideas into the start of the fic but I think you'll all be surprised where she actually does go.**

**I had to change the ending a wee bit due to The O.Sea but I hope it's good. There should be two or three more chapters left to go and I have no idea when I can get them up so please please please be patient. Thanks**

**Disclaimer: Don't own any OC character but I wish I owned Kirsten sigh**

**Here we go.

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Berkeley?

Berkeley.

The place where she was free from the constraints and expectations of her father.

The place where she became known as 'Kear' and not 'Kiki'.

The place she met Sandy.

The place she met . . . Sandy

At first she had considered going there because she could stay with Lisa and catch up with her and lie that Sandy wished he could come but was too busy so she came instead. But Kirsten quickly weighed up the pros with the cons in her head and the pros won. That was why she didn't go to Berkeley. It was the perfect place to go; it was far away from Sandy and her family but it was probably the most obvious place to go and the first place Sandy would look.

Kirsten refused to go there.

She left home.

Where would she go?

Where could she go?

Japan?

Kirsten desperately missed her sister Hailey and she hadn't heard much from her so she could go there and surprise Hailey.

She couldn't.

She didn't have her passport to go there and that put a dampener on her other option.

Maui.

It was also out of the question. Jimmy would call Sandy the second her back was turned telling Sandy that she arrived safely because she refused to call and Sandy would fly out immediately and 'retrieve' her like she was an escaped mental patient who had wondered the streets.

Sandy's attempts to help her with her 'drinking' were futile for she still craved the burning sensation it brought. The pure eradication of her problems which she drowned every hour since Carter left her alone.

Lately her family has been treating her like a child or rather an invalid. Kirsten remembered the lecture she had gotten from her father when he found her and Jimmy pouring beer down the toilet when she was younger. Kirsten also remembered watching her mother downing a vodka and lemonade in one large gulp and she knew the reason. Her father. Her father had been the main source of Kirsten's anguish but lately Sandy had unknowingly added to the pile. And that increased the amount of vodka needed to countermeasure the shit that kept piling up on the scales. But somewhere along the way, unbeknownst to Kirsten, the weight of vodka had exceeded its allotment to counter the problems.

Her nickname always reminded her that Caleb saw her as a child but what she couldn't stand her husband standing over her shoulder like he was her father. Kirsten didn't need another father, she needed her husband. She felt like he didn't trust her to be alone for half a second.

Where a father would usually say "Eat your greens there and I'll tuck you in tonight." Sandy on the other hand was saying, "Give up drinking and I won't send you to rehab."

Rehab.

Rehabilitation.

Kirsten's husband wanted to send her away because he didn't want to be there for her and simply gave up trying to help. He wanted her out of the house. If that was the case, Kirsten wasn't going to be there to let him help.

Walking through the silent sleeping neighbourhoods no one heard her internal screams as she contemplated her decision.

Not her decision to leave.

Her decision of where she was going.

The cool night air harassed her frail and tiny body but although it chilled her very being she continued to walk blankly and emotionlessly and refused to stop and put her sweater on.

Frail. She was still frail.

'_What do I have to go to get rid of that label?_' she asked herself.

Kirsten continued to walk along the path, cross roads and walk with her arms at her sides and feet shuffling on the perfect surfaces that made up the mirage that is Newport.

Unbeknownst to Kirsten, tears had snaked their way down her once porcelain cheek and lay on the path to evaporate and become part of a cycle. The tears had a purpose whereas she didn't or she thought she didn't.

Then she came to a stop outside her destination.

Kirsten knew that although she hated some of the years she spent there, it was where good memories were born and where she realised she had to do something for herself.

The noise of the ever present crickets created a numbing soothing atmosphere as she walked along the darkened path to the back.

When she arrived at the back, romantic and hyperactive memories came back to her.

Kirsten remembered the hole in the hedge where she taught Jimmy to climb through it to sneak in and see her. She also remembered the night Jimmy got his trouser leg caught on a branch in the hedge and he drunkenly tried to free himself while Kirsten struggled to breathe in between laughs.

Quickly and elegantly she manoeuvred her battered body through the hedge and into the vast garden.

Here more memories assaulted her.

A five year old Kirsten running from Caleb gleefully to her mother who scooped her up and kissed her on the cheek.

A two year old blonde child playing with her father and being lifted onto his shoulder and spun around with her blonde hair flying in the California sun.

And finally a thirteen year old girl playing with her baby sister.

Crossing the vast back garden she stopped at the backdoor and retrieved the keys she unconsciously packed from her backpack and opened the door and quickly turned off the alarm and locked the door behind her.

She turned around and was greeted by a dark kitchen and knowing the house she grew up in like the back of her hand she walked down the hall towards the front door and turned and stepped up each individual step to the first floor and passed the closed doors until she arrived at the one she wanted.

Her bedroom.

Instead of stopping in front of it she walked straight in knowing that it was her bedroom because her mother had forbidden Caleb from changing her room after she apparently 'betrayed' him and left for Berkeley.

Setting her bag down on the floor against her bedside table, she retrieved the matches on her dresser and quickly lit the candles that sat on the wooden piece of furniture. The soft light illuminated the room but not so much as a bulb would. She didn't want to alert people to her presence and her heavy maroon curtains accomplished that.

Once she was satisfied with the lighting, she walked casually into her closet and crouched down in front of several boxes. She stretched her hand behind them and unveiled a hidden box covered in dust.

Ignoring the dust, Kirsten lifted the lid and drank from one of the numerous bottles in there.

Kirsten welcomed the burning sensation it provided and walked back out into the room as if she had just drunk water not vodka and lay down on her bed continually drinking.

After she had drank half the bottle in less than two minutes she looked around her and her eyes settled on an old photograph of her and Sandy her mother took on Sandy's first visit to Newport.

They were standing on the terrace against the wall that offered a spectacular view of the ocean. Kirsten was standing in front of Sandy with his arms wrapped around her with their heads touching. Their pure angelic smiles radiated the love they felt for each other.

That was the Kirsten she wanted to be; happy and in love and not drunk and depressed.

Kirsten looked at the picture one more time before consuming the rest of the vodka bottle. She had to cover her mouth to prevent bile rising up but it never reached any further than her throat. She knew she promised Sandy she was done with drinking but he was going to send her away anyway so why not drink herself into a coma.

Kirsten stood and sat the vodka bottle on the dresser trembling and blew out the several candles shuffled her way back to bed to fall asleep.

Even though her sleep was vodka induced it was far from peaceful. Her dreams were haunted by what she told her father that day, _"If this family is screwed up it's because of you!_" and she had flashes of the glass tumbler smashing as he called her the name he had given her at birth. 'Kiki'. Once she thought her father saw 'Kiki' as her birth name and 'Kirsten' as a nickname. Now he knew not to call her that.

She also had a dream about being carried into rehab by a burly man kicking and screaming and thrown onto a hospital bed and injected with a sedative all the while screaming for help and begging for Sandy to tell them to stop and let her go but in her dream Sandy simply stood back and watched casually.

She curled up in her childhood bed remembering the make out sessions she had with Jimmy and also with Sandy when they were alone and all the hours she spent drinking a little each time while pouring her heart out to a teddy bear called Lorenzo.

Kirsten remembered it all as she slept.

* * *

When she woke hours later her head was aching and her stomach was restless but it was behaving itself. If she had not have drunk a complete bottle of vodka a few hours previously in less than five minutes she was have some symptoms of pregnancy but she would've found out she was pregnant at the hospital after the crash.

Drowsily she opened her back pack and took out the box she packed yesterday and a shiny packet. Taking the packet into the bathroom she quickly took a shower and rubbed the liquid from the packet into her hair.

The warm water running over her bruised body eased the tension and numb throbbing pain that pulsated through her body. The hot water against her temple stung for a short time but she adapted to it.

Coming out of the shower she looked at herself in the mirror.

Again she was disgusted at her appearance and her reflection again taunted her with its foul language and cruel words. But one thing was different.

Her hair colour.

It wasn't blonde.

It was brunette.

Her pristine blonde layered hair was now brunette.

Looking at the packet it said, "One Night Colour – Lasts for 24 hours and washes out easily". 24 hours. It should hide her identity for that long.

Wrapping her hair in a towel she went back into the bedroom and got changed into a pair of baggy jeans, a tank top and sneakers all the while drinking from yet another vodka bottle.

She quickly combed the tangles out of her hair and quickly blew dry it straight while taking the odd sip from the bottle that seemed to be permanently wielded to her elegant fingers.

Kirsten liked this.

Being alone without the preying eyes of her husband and father and the concerned and disappointed looks of her sons. She could wear whatever she wanted, drink whatever she wanted and scream if she wanted.

She would be doing a lot of screaming soon enough.

Soon enough.

* * *

**I have lost count of the people who know what is gonna happen; Michelles x3, Emz and Sunny ssh! Well that's it for the time being and this time I have no idea when I can update, probably next Saturday. Love yas all for your comments. Please review this one.**


	4. Where is she?

**Hey again, here is the new chapter and I hope you like. Thanks to all those who reviewed, you all know who you are and I love you all. **

**Disclaimer – I don't own any OC character and I never will.

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'_I'm sorry'  
__'Oh, honey it was my fault, you were tryin'a tell me somethin I-I I wasn't listening, jus tell me where you are and I'll come pick ya up'  
'I'm coming home...I thought I was losing you'  
'No, that's never gonna happen'  
'I love you'  
'I love you too, now pull over and I'll come get'cha'_

That conversation repeated itself over and over again in his head for the past hour in his dream and it was driving him crazy. He could hear everything from that night and his mind forbade him from leaving and forced him to view and remember every detail.

On top of his wife's tear filled voice were the sounds of grinding metal and the smashing of glass as he wielded his ear to the cell phone listening intently to the other side of the phone yelling "Kirsten!" every other second.

A shrill noise interrupted his sleep and he shook awake and automatically reached over to answer to phone considering Kirsten didn't'. But as he reached over, he expected to be reaching over her sleeping body but he was greeted by a gap but before he could think of where she could be, he answered the persistent phone.

"Hello . . . Julie? . . . What? Julie calm down . . . what? When? . . . oh my god . . . thanks for calling . . . ok take care."

With that he hung up and as he placed the phone back he noticed the piece of paper on Kirsten's pillow under his hand and read the erratic handwriting.

'_I'm sorry_

_Kirsten'._

Knowing the time as half six, he quickly changed out of his pyjamas and holding the letter, he rushed into the kitchen to hopefully find her drowning her sorrows. Preferably, not with vodka or tequila.

But he didn't find her there. Seth and Ryan were both awake and talking at the kitchen island eating breakfast.

"Hey dad, mom still asleep?"

Hearing Seth's question about Kirsten instantly answered the question Sandy was about to ask.

"I wish I could say Seth . . . have either of you seen her this morning?"

"Mom? No. Ryan?"

"No I haven't sorry. What's going on?"

Wordlessly, Sandy handed his sons the note their mother left and they read the words silently.

Three words.

But two of those words left an entire void to be filled with speculated and pure undefined horror.

'_I'm sorry.'_

What exactly did that mean?

'_I'm sorry._'

"What does she mean by this?" Seth asked frantically.

"She's gone . . . while I-I-I was in the closet; I noticed that several of her things were missing . . . clothes mostly."

"Why would she leave so abruptly?" Ryan enquired reading over the words again as if examining her handwriting would offer the answers they desperately wanted.

"I have no idea . . . but after the phone call I just got, if we bring her back . . . she's gonna wanna leave again."

"Why?"

Sandy knew he should never have mentioned that phone call from Julie. This news would devastate Kirsten. The last thing she needed was to be brought home to a dead father and she had been through enough recently. Afterall, Kirsten was just after running away.

"Dad?"

"Huh?"

"Who was on the phone there now?"

"Julie."

"And?"

Sandy was unsure of how to broach the subject with Seth so he tried to sugar coat it as much as possible without putting the news right between the eyes.

"It's your grandfather . . . something happened."

"What? I mean, is he okay?"

Again Sandy didn't know how to say it. Should he straight out say, "_He's dead_," or say _"He had a heart attack and he never came through it."_ What?

"No," he whispered finally, "he's not."

Seth didn't need to hear anymore as he was putting two and two together and he was as sure as hell getting four.

"Oh," he sighed sadly, "Um we uh need to find mom. Have uh have you tried calling her yet?"

"I'm gonna do that now."

"Cool, uh me and Ryan will look around uh we'll take down town and the pier- dad- you check the beach and the Newport Group offices or we can swing by there, just check anywhere she might be . . . w-we can get Marissa and Summer to help as well."

"Sure, I'll uh I'll call Marissa right away."

"Cool let's go," Seth ordered jumping off the stool grabbing the keys to the range rover.

"Call as soon as you find her or hear anything," Sandy called after him.

"Right!" Ryan called back as he closed the front door.

Both cars were still there so she couldn't have gone far.

But she had a much larger time advantage on them. For all Sandy knew she could be in Berkeley or Maui or if she really wanted, she could be half way to Japan by now.

Berkeley.

Lisa.

Opening his cell phone he quickly called Kirsten's mobile but after three rings it cut to voicemail.

'_Hey, this is Kirsten, sorry I can't take your call right now, but please leave a message after the beep and I will get back to you as soon as I get some time. Thanks.'_

Sandy didn't leave a message after the beep because knowing Kirsten; she was screening her calls and cancelled it sending him to voicemail. And he didn't want it to be like he was checking up on her and that he didn't trust her to be out of the house for more than an hour. But didn't he say that just by calling?

Quickly he walked over to the black telephone and address book that permanently lay beside the phone; he flicked through the pages to find the name 'Lisa' and her number. His fingers flew over the keys of the phone and the dial tone began.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Lisa?"

"Yes speaking."

"Hey this is Sandy Cohen," he greeted.

"Oh my god Sandy, how are you?" she asked excitedly down the phone.

"I'm good thanks, you?"

"Oh, don't ask, Emily has me run ragged, so what do I owe the pleasure Sandy?"

"Well, Kirsten said she might head up to Berkeley today, _might_, so if she shows up there could you give me a call?"

"Uh sure, if she shows up I'll give you a call," Lisa said into the phone as she picked up a stuffed animal off the floor.

"Thanks Lisa, well I better go."

"No problem Sandy, and it was good hearing from you . . . maybe we'll come to Newport one day and see you. Seth must be what? 17 now?"

"Yeh he is."

"Bet he takes after you . . . well I better go too. Send my love to the family and if Kear comes I'll call."

"Thanks Lisa, and send my love to your family too, bye."

"Bye."

Sandy hung up the phone and contemplated calling Jimmy in Maui. Maybe he could call Hailey and use the same technique with Hailey as he did with Lisa in Berkeley, but Hailey would not even think Kirsten would come see her. No!

She wouldn't.

Sandy considered a place she may have considered.

'_Buckley?'_

"No," Sandy said out loud as he pushed that thought aside and lifted his car keys leaving the house to find Kirsten.

As he drove he looked continually from left to right trying to find his blonde wife.

What would she be wearing?

Where would she be?

Pulling over in the Newport Group car park, he opened his phone and called her office.

"Hello, Newport Group, Kirsten Cohen's office," Claire answered.

"Oh hey Claire, it's Sandy, is Kirsten there?"

"Uh, no Sandy she's not . . . isn't she supposed to be resting?"

"Well you know how Kirsten is," Sandy laughed trying to not sound worried, "Ok, well thanks Claire."

"Ok, bye."

"Bye."

Another dead end.

Starting the car again he thought of places she would go. He quickly changed direction, and parked alongside the spot on the beach where he sometimes found her when she needed some space to think. He remembered when her mother died, Kirsten came here and she hugged her legs to her chest and her tears mixed with the sand. He sat next to her and without even saying a word, she fell into him and cried her heart out. Considering that her father died, she might be here. But she doesn't know that or does she? Julie may have called her. Then he began to drive along the beach and every now and then looked from the road to the beach trying to spot something that resembled Kirsten.

Again, another dead end.

Sandy spent the next two hours looking every place he could think off and sometimes he checked back to the places more than once just to check that he didn't miss her or that she hadn't come there while he was gone.

Seth and Ryan weren't having much luck either.

They had enlisted the help of Marissa and Summer and they were only too happy to help and further more they were extremely worried about Kirsten's abrupt disappearance. The girls searched the mall and all the shops and the beach but with no trace of Kirsten anywhere. Ryan and Seth looked up and down the pier and all of Newport trying to find their mother.

"Dude, I'm getting worried," Seth said walking down the same street for the third time that day.

"Me too, I mean, where can she go if she's not in Newport?"

"I have no idea," he replied honestly, "God, I have no idea where my mom would go, how bad a son am I?"

"Seth, come on, no one knew she would do this so calm down. I have no idea either, come on think, if you were your mom where would you run away too?"

"I have no idea . . . somewhere where she wouldn't want to be found probably or somewhere where we would never think . . . you wouldn't think she would pull a Marissa?"

"And go to Chino? I don't think so," Ryan said as a matter of factly.

"No dude, go to someone who she has practically nothing in common with."

"Your Nana?"

"It's possible."

"I don't think so Seth."

"What, why not?" Seth asked.

"Well one - the Nana hates Kirsten, two - the Nana hates Kirsten and three - oh yeh the Nana hates Kirsten."

"Ryan Atwood, is that sarcasm?"

"Yeh well you rub off . . . look man I don't think your mom would go to Florida and I don't think they would even let her fly in her condition. I mean one look at that cut on her temple and they won't let her fly."

"Ok, point well said, but where is she?"

Ryan simply looked at Seth.

"You don't know – got it."

They continued to walk and drive around Newport until it turned dark at which point they returned home just as Sandy pulled up behind them.

"Hey fellas, any luck?" Sandy asked closing the car door.

"Nada! You?" Seth replied.

"Nothing . . . I've called around and asked several people to call if they see her, including Lisa."

"Aunt Lisa? From Berkeley? You think mom mighta gone to Berkeley?"

"It helps to be prepared son. I called this morning, for all I know, she mighta gone to Maui or Japan or France."

"Seth thought she might have gone to Florida to see the Nana."

"No, your mother would rather go surfing with me than go visit your grandmother alone," Sandy retorted truthfully.

"But mom hates surfing."

"Hence my point. Besides the Nana would call if Kirsten showed up anyway"

"Ok, well maybe she's inside?" Seth asked pointing to the door,

"Let's go see," Ryan suggested moving towards the door.

Sandy and Seth followed Ryan into the house to find all the lights off.

Mutually they split up and looked around the house quickly. Sandy checked the bedroom and the area that surrounded it. Ryan checked the kitchen, family room and the back garden. Seth sprinted upstairs and opened and closed every door and looked in every room more than once. Then all the men reconvened in the family room reporting that Kirsten wasn't anywhere in the house.

"Ok, your mother has been missing for at least 12 hours and it is dark and we have absolutely no clue as to where she could be."

"And the girls didn't find her either," Ryan sighed.

"Ok, not even five people can find her, that's kinda worrying don't you think?" Seth said sarcastically and hurriedly.

"Seth calm down son, we'll find her, I promise," Sandy said placing a hand on his son's shoulder.

"Too bad, grandma isn't here, she'd know where to find her," Seth sighed quietly thinking out loud.

Sandy froze on the spot and his eyes glazed over with a sudden thought.

"Sandy?" Ryan asked noticing Sandy's expression.

Hearing Ryan's question, Seth looked at his father and saw a smile slowly appear on his face.

"Seth you are a genius!" Sandy whispered as he turned on his heels and headed to the bedroom.

"Dad? Dad, what?"

When Sandy didn't answer as he continued to walk Seth turned to Ryan, "Ryan, what's happening?"

"I have no idea and apparently you're a genius."

"Come on."

Seth and Ryan quickly caught up with Sandy who was already in the forbidden territory that was their parent's bedroom, but seeing as this was an emergency Seth wavered his strike and followed Ryan in.

Sandy was on his shins looking through the bottom drawer pushing material after material away, top after top away until he arrived at what he was looking for.

Seth and Ryan were standing oblivious to what Sandy was looking for and simply waited for him to tell them but Seth wasn't being patient at all seeing as his mother could be in danger and missing.

"Dad, what is that?"

Sandy had taken out a blank brown envelope and stood up walking with it over to the table by the window, "Ryan turn on the lights would'ya?"

Light plastered the room and shed light on the mysterious envelope that Sandy had just found.

"Dad, I ask you again, what is that?"

"Your grandmother gave this to me shortly before she died and told me to only open it if Kirsten runs away or I can't find her. And seeing as she has run away and I can't find her, I think I can open it."

Sandy tore the seal off the envelope but before he revealed the contents he said, "She said I would find Kirsten here."

He poured the contents out and lifted the papers.

The first being a letter,

'_Dear Sandy,_

_If you are reading this then my wee Kirsten is lost and she has disappeared under her own power, so I hope this leads you to my daughter. She told me one day that if she was ever hurt or lost she would come here, so go here Sandy and find her. Kirsten needs you._

_Love, _

_Jennifer Nichol'_

After he read the cursive handwriting, he placed the letter behind the piece of paper behind it. Unfortunately that piece of paper was back to front so Sandy flipped it over to reveal a picture of a house.

"I know where she is," Sandy whispered looking at the photograph.

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**Ok, I'm gonna leave it there for another week. Please review it because I have an almost full week of exams this week so make it enjoyable and encourage me to write. Love you all.**


	5. Lost and Found

**Hey again everyone. I have a break tonight considering it is the weekend and my next exam isn't until Tuesday. Everyone who has reviewed rocks and I thank you all so much especially mi kear, kiks say avie (my twin, sister and auntie!). Thanks everyone for your constant support.**

**Disclaimer – You should know it, I don't own any OC character.

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Sandy continued to look at the glossy photograph in his hand as Seth continued to ask him what is was.

'_Why did I not think of this place?'_

Why?

She loved this place.

She told him that whenever she was sad she could find happiness in her room.

Her domain.

Her sanctuary away from her father.

"Dad!"

Seth's voice interrupted his reverie and he looked to the younger version of himself.

"Where-has-mom-gone?" he asked slowly.

"Here," Sandy answered meekly as he handed his son the photograph.

Relieved, Seth took the paper and looked at it.

Once he looked at it, his mouth opened in confusion and amazement.

"She went here?"

"Apparently."

"Ryan look," Seth said handing the message from the past to Ryan and picking up the envelope.

As Ryan studied the photograph, Seth fiddled with the envelope to see if his grandmother had left anything else in it and he was about to toss it aside when something struck the glass surface of the table. All the men looked at it and Sandy picked it up.

"It's a key."

"Very astute Seth," Ryan commented.

"Ha-ha Ryan, see dad, Ryan's sarcastic now."

"It only took two years but, Ryan has succumb to the ways of Sethela Cohen."

"Dad!"

"Sorry, the ways of _Seth_ Cohen."

"Thank you . . . God, good thing the Nana isn't here."

"So when are we gonna go get her?" Ryan asked changing the subject back to Kirsten's disappearance.

"Well this is the key to Caleb's 'old' house before he moved into the mansion on haunted hill as you kids like to call it . . . but I think we should go right now, Kirsten deserves to know about her father."

"Are you sure? I mean mom is kinda . . . well fragile now."

"I know, it just hasn't been her time recently but if our places were reversed she would do the same thing . . . this will devastate her and I don't know what her reaction will be, but she deserves to know. I have to tell her before she hears it from anyone else," Sandy elaborated.

Putting the key in his pocket, Sandy headed out of the room and jogged to the front door.

"Dad wait!"

Sandy stopped on the steps to the door and turned to see Seth and Ryan catching up with him, "What?"

"We wanna come with you."

"Seth-"

"Dad, look . . . we wanna come, we need come . . . mom needs us all right now . . . we wanna be there for her."

"Boys, I don't know what her reaction will be."

"We don't care," Ryan answered.

Sandy walked silently towards the door and picked up his car keys and opened the door.

Then he stopped.

Turned to his sons.

He opened the door even further and moved to walk out.

"Well?" Sandy asked looking at them.

Ryan and Seth simply stood where they were.

"Aren't you coming?"

Seth and Ryan didn't need to be asked twice and they ran out the door followed by Sandy as they climbed into the Beemer and drove off.

Passing the houses as they drove towards Caleb's mansion and the house Kirsten grew up in, Sandy lay down a few ground rules for when they arrive.

"Ok, boys listen to me here," Sandy said looking at Seth to his right and Ryan in the rear view mirror, "I'm gonna park the car in a place she taught me when I first came here ok, and then I'm gonna go in with you following me but I want you to remain downstairs in the living room while I find her . . . she'll most likely be in her bedroom."

"But what if she's downstairs?" Seth asked.

"Duck! That's all I can say."

"Ok, or we could hide in a room she wouldn't go into," Ryan suggested.

"Yeh the dining room or somewhere like that."

"Sure, just make sure she doesn't see you before she sees me," Sandy ended.

* * *

At the house, Kirsten went to the box she had packed hesitantly and opened it meekly placing the glass next to it on the dresser.

Lifting the lid, she took out the unlabelled bottle from it.

Small white tablets could be seen through the tinted glass.

Twisting the cap off she spilled several tablets onto her palm and looked at them in the light. The light bounced off them making them look even whiter than she made them out to be, and stared intently at them. They were so small. She remembered reading in the instructions that it took half an hour for them to take effect.

Half and hour.

Thirty minutes.

She could wait that long.

Separating all but two tablets, Kirsten let the others sprawl themselves over the surface of the dresser. Quickly she let the pills fall in her mouth from her palm but she didn't have any water to wash it down so she took a small drink from the vodka and threw her head back as the tablets fell.

Placing the bottle back on the dresser, she left her room and went into her parents' bedroom and looked at the pictures that her mother used to decorate the room.

Sitting on her mother's side of the bed she picked up the picture in the silver frame she admired as a child and tried to remember the happy family in it. Kirsten was eight years old and sitting on her mother's knee as her father stood behind the 'two girls in his life'. She ran her fingers over the glass protecting the memory. Then she looked at the next picture. It was of Kirsten at eighteen holding a four year old Hailey with her mother to her right and her dad to her left. It was a wonderful day then. Kirsten actually had a reason to smile because Hailey was not bothering her and she was about to leave for Berkeley.

Kirsten quickly got absorbed in recapturing and remembering the memories that were locked in the photographs her mother prided.

Sandy quietly pulled the car into the lane that she taught him how to drive down without being seen by her parents. Firstly he had to turn the lights off and drive very slowly. Seeing as there wasn't any rocks or unseen obstacles he could just casually drive down.

But as he climbed out he didn't slam the car door; he slowly closed it and then when it was a centimetre nearly closed, he quickly pushed it closed. Ryan and Seth did the same.

Then they walked around to the front of the house and Sandy quietly and slowly pushed the key into the lock and masterfully turned it open without making a sound except for a faint inaudible click.

Cautiously they stepped into the darkened house and Sandy looked up the stairs beside the foyer to see a light filter onto the carpet upstairs. Sandy pointed to the living room and Ryan and Seth obediently tip-toed over to it and sat on the floor at the foot of the couch.

Sandy on the other hand walked up the carpeted stairs to the first floor silently avoiding the floor boards that squeaked. Kirsten had expertly trained him to by-pass them considering as she had taught herself when she snuck in after curfew.

Leaving the boys downstairs he walked to her bedroom and walked in. The first thing he noticed was the bottle of vodka on the dresser and he sighed disappointedly but then he saw the pills he became worried.

Were they ecstasy?

Some sort of narcotic drug?

He didn't know.

He wasn't disappointed about the vodka to be honest, he was actually concerned but in a way, it built up and secured his love for her.

Sandy looked at the picture of himself and Kirsten when he first came to Newport and her mother suggested taking the photograph.

He heard footsteps coming down the hallway and he quickly stepped into the closet and hid behind the door but manoeuvred himself so he could look at her enter the room.

What he saw, was not what he expected.

She was wearing baggy jeans that a punk would normally wear, a see through purple t-shirt that he had not seen her wear since she was nineteen when he met her with a black tank top underneath, pink Converse sneakers and brunette hair.

Brunette hair?

Bru-nette.

Hair!

Kirsten came back into the room and tucked her hair behind her ear and quickly folded the top she had discarded on the bed and packed it into her bag.

"I never would've imagined you as a brunette," a voice came from the closet.

Kirsten whirled around placing her hand over her chest startled as Sandy appeared at the mouth of her closet. She began to breathe quickly and balanced herself again her bedside table as Sandy stepped towards her.

Instinctively she asked, "W-what are you doing here?"

"Same reason you are."

"Oh and that would be?"

"To find you."

"Well you wasted your time, Kirsten is nowhere to be found," she laughed sadly moving to the dresser.

"Oh I think she is," he whispered as he approached her gently, "Kirsten, can I ask you something?" he asked as he looked at the pills.

"Yes I have been drinking even though I said I was through with it."

"No not that, what are these?" he asked fingering the tablets, "You planning on doing something?"

"Going to sleep hopefully . . . they're to help me sleep . . . because I can't."

Aware, that she was having problems sleeping he was sceptical to give her the 'news' about her father.

News!

Kirsten your father is dead.

That isn't news.

It's a heartbreaking sentence.

Statement rather.

"Kirsten," he began, "I have something to tell you."

"What?" she asked looking at him through sad eyes.

God, he was able to tell Seth, but he was still stuck for telling Kirsten.

"Sandy? What is it?" she enquired in a small voice.

Refusing to look at her he spoke, "It's your dad."

"What about him?" Kirsten spoke nonchalantly.

"S-s-something happened last night."

That got her attention.

"What happened?"

The tone of her voice change and her eyes opened slightly more.

Sandy couldn't continue.

"Sandy? Is it his heart? Is he ok?"

"No baby, I'm afraid not. H-h-h-h."

Kirsten looked away from Sandy and stared at the dresser and at the bottle of vodka standing to attention. Before Sandy could react she grabbed the bottle and threw it across the room to the opposite wall. It shattered just like her heart and the vodka spewed from it just like her blood pulsed through her veins.

She grabbed the baseball bat she nicked off Hailey when she was young and swung it over the dressers and broke all her memories, and completely 'thrashed' her childhood bedroom. Photo frames flew in all directions, glasses shattered, tablets skirted across the floor and she screamed her heart out.

Sandy was afraid to go near her as of fear of being hit by the bat but he had to.

He approached her and grabbed her shoulders but she fought him at first but his grip became firmer and calming and she stopped fighting and fell into his arms collapsing to the floor crying into his chest.

Sandy held her to him in his strong embrace and running his hands up and down her back and 'shh'-ing her and stroking her hair softly and tenderly. Kirsten held tightly to the front of his shirt crying, "I killed him Sandy, I killed him Sandy! He died of a broken heart."

She repeated this to herself over and over again as Sandy swayed her from side to side attempting to calm her.

Downstairs, Ryan and Seth had been waiting to see if Kirsten would come out of the kitchen and walk past them but she never did. But when they heard a smash from upstairs and a scream they stood up immediately looking at each other. Then they heard more hysterical screams and more smashes and crashes and sprinted up the stairs two at a time but when they reached the top, it became silent.

Together they stepped cautiously towards the open door which the light ebbed out of.

As they approached the threshold, shards of glass littered the carpet and photographs lay under remnants of photo frames.

But as they entered the room they saw, Sandy on the floor with Kirsten holding onto him desperately crying her pain out to him.

Kirsten looked like a broken soul as tears streamed down her skin and her dark hair fell in front of her face.

"Is she ok?" Seth mouthed to Sandy who looked up at them.

With Kirsten in his arms, he simply shrugged, not knowing the answer to the simple yet extremely complicated question.

Seth and Ryan entered the childhood domain of their mother and crouched down beside her as she sobs slowly subsided.

Sandy gently moved back to see her face but her eyes were closed and she looked peaceful.

"Mom?" Seth asked.

"Ssh Seth, she's cried herself to sleep," Ryan whispered.

"No, I don't think it's that son . . . I think she took some sleeping pills and they are taking effect . . . come on let's get her home to bed," Sandy said gently gathering her up into his arms.

"We'll quickly get her stuff," Seth stated while gathering her backpack and her cell phone from the bedside table, "Got it, let's go."

Seth and Ryan followed Sandy as he gently negotiated the stairs down to the foyer and to the front door which Ryan opened and went ahead of Sandy. Kirsten had her arms unconsciously around Sandy's neck as he carried her into the night air.

Seth reactivated the alarm after turning off all the lights and locking the door, and quickly caught up with Ryan and his parents at the car.

"Ok, Ryan you go into the back seat and take her from me ok."

Ryan clambered into the backseat and accepted the unconscious Kirsten and made her as comfortable as possible in the Beemer as Seth and Sandy made themselves comfortable in the front seats. Sandy backed out of the car's hiding place and drove home.

Once there, Sandy took his wife back into his arms and took her to bed, taking her sneakers off and pulling the quilt up to her chin and tucking her in like her father did when she was a child.

He curled her brunette hair back behind her ear before kissing her on the forehead whispering, "Goodnight sweetie, everything will be all right, I promise I'm here for you, I love you."

With that he turned off the light and left her to sleep.

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**I don't know if I should leave it there, or continue on to Caleb's funeral and her acceptance and continuing self-destruction so to speak. Tell me what you think I should do. Like always, love yas!**


	6. Will Kirsten Ever Be Kirsten Again?

**Here is the final chapter of this story to bring it full circle and to attach itself to 'The Dearly Beloved'. Remember – Kirsten dyed her hair last time. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer – Don't own ANY OC character.

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"_If this family is screwed up it's because of you!"_

"_You've screwed everyone up! Sandy, Seth, Ryan, Marissa and you drove my two sisters away! Lindsay didn't stick around and Hailey is on the other side of the planet. You've been screwing me up since the day I was born!"_

"_No baby, I'm afraid not. H-h-h-h."_

The voices of her rage and that of her husband's haunted her nightmares. In her mind's eye, Kirsten saw childhood ornaments crashing to the floor and disintegrating into nothing before her very eyes all the while the voice of her father assaulted and yelled at her; the time he caught her and Jimmy flushing beer down the toilet, the time she came home drunk, when she told him she was moving to Berkeley and more recently her mind replayed his lecture after her accident.

Then the voices began to speak over each other.

Yelled over each other.

Finally they bled together and she tossed beneath the sheets.

She couldn't take it anymore.

Kirsten shot her eyes open and breathed heavily as she unconsciously reached for Sandy. At first she wondered why she reached for him when she was in her bed at her parents' house. Nevertheless, he wasn't there.

Sitting up, Kirsten calmed her breathing and saw the sun light filtering through her bedroom door into her house. She hadn't dreamt that Sandy had found her and then she tried to believe that her father's death was a part of her nightmare and a concoction from the alcohol and sleeping pills.

Then an image of her destroyed room befell her eyes.

'_Please make it all be a dream_' she prayed to any god that would listen.

On the clock beside her it read 13:57.

A part of her wasn't surprised that she had slept so late considering the amount of vodka she had drunk and the sleeping pills could not have helped either as it left her with an upset stomach and a nauseated head. Kirsten swung her legs over the edge of the bed and leaned forward holding her head mere centimetres above her knees.

After the nausea passed, she shakily got to her feet and slowly padded her way out of the room and down the several steps into the main house. She needed to know what was real and what wasn't.

Looking in the glass she saw her dishevelled reflection and she saw that she was still wearing what she had on the previous day or whatever day it was she had it on as she had no idea how long she was asleep.

The baggy punk jeans.

The purple see-through top with a black tank top.

But her converse shoes were off and she was wearing red socks with Dalmatians.

Kirsten heard the television in the family room and in her socks softly made her way towards Seth, Sandy and Ryan who were perched on the couch with melancholy expressions. Not wanting to make herself known she leaned against the wall and looked over at what they were watching.

The news.

The reporter began, "Newport Beach multi-millionaire Caleb Nichol died last night at his mansion . . . ." and to Kirsten's ears the reporter's voice swirled and dulled and everything zoomed out.

Breathlessly, Kirsten began to back away from the room and the lies but before she could go anywhere, she accidentally backed into a small table behind her knocking a vase to the floor but Kirsten paid no attention to it as her eyes continued to fix themselves to the TV screen. Suddenly, all the men on the couch looked towards the noise.

They were stunned to see Kirsten standing there.

Kirsten was bracing herself against the table with nothing but pure fear and denial in her eyes.

"Kirsten," Sandy whispered softly as he stood up and approached her slowly.

She began to shake uncontrollably on the spot.

"Sweetie," he tried soothingly extending his arms slightly.

"Tell me it's not true," she begged tearfully.

Sandy tried as best as he could to look her in the eye but if he did he would be broken at the little girl he would see in her eyes. He couldn't speak because she was asking him to do something that he simply couldn't.

"Kirsten," he began.

"Tell me it's not true," she asked again placing her hands pleadingly on his chest, "please."

The heartbreak in her voice tore at him. The plea in her eyes bore straight through him and he hated seeing her in this much pain but he knew that it could only get worse.

Seth and Ryan were standing by the couch and stood idle wanting to be there for their mother but hearing her denial of her father's death tore at their hearts. They knew she and Caleb had an extraordinary close father-daughter relationship and they had all tried to prepare themselves for a stage five meltdown but what they got was not that. In the aftermath of the news Kirsten destroyed her childhood sanctuary and became a mere fragile shell.

"Honey . . ." Sandy started placing his hands on her arms, "I'm so sorry."

The grief and the compassion in his voice alerted her to the truth but not wanting to believe him Kirsten looked past him at Seth and Ryan who had the same look on their faces.

The same look that had _'I'm so sorry'_ written all over it.

Silently, she shook her head.

Then more determined she refused to acknowledge the truth.

Kirsten wanted nothing more than to scream her lungs out.

Scream out the pain she was feeling.

Scream out the guilt she was feeling.

"_If this family is screwed up it's because of you!"_

Then the tears overwhelmed her.

Kirsten closed her eyes tightly and covered her face with her hands and cried into her palms. Sandy moved to take her in his arms and to his surprise she fell into him. At first he thought she would go 'off the railings' and repeat her reaction at her house. But not this time.

Holding his quivering wife, he felt her move her arms up around his neck and felt her hold him tightly to her small frame. But when he heard her cry silently into the nape of his neck, he just had to close his own eyes and rub her back comfortingly.

Seth and Ryan both began to move towards her.

Suddenly, she pulled away from Sandy.

"I'm sorry, I can't . . . I just can't," she stuttered.

"Mom."

"Sorry, I can't."

Kirsten then turned away and walked back down to hall to her bedroom with her head bowed and arms wrapped around her body. Porcelain can break at any moment and the first cracks were seeping open even further.

"Mom," Seth called after her concerned.

Hearing her son's voice, a part of her wanted to turn around but the majority of her thoughts told her to keep walking and not to let her son see her like this. She was 'The Kirsten' after all.

So she just kept walking.

"Seth," Sandy stopped him, "your mother needs time."

"But what if she bolts again?" he argued as Kirsten turned the corner.

"Then we'll go after her," Ryan added, "look Seth . . . she needs to comprehend this."

"She needs us!"

"Yeh I know . . . but she's confused," Sandy spoke sadly.

"We have to be there for mom, she was close to grandpa, she's hurting an-"

"Seth man quiet down, you're not doing Kirsten any favours," Ryan interrupted.

"Come on guys," Sandy spoke slightly louder than normal, "she's in that room hurting like hell right now and that tears me apart but . . . but I think we should give her some space, I'll check on her in a short while."

Seth looked down sadly, "I just wanna help her."

"I know son, we all do."

Silently, Sandy looked back down the hall at which his wife had just fled and prayed to god that the death of Caleb would not be Kirsten's undoing. His sons wanted to help her to get over her father's death but Sandy on the other hand knew the thread ran much deeper than that. Sandy needed to help her escape her alcoholism. He thought her accident had shaken her out of it but it reaffirmed it.

Closing the bedroom door behind her, Kirsten rested her forehead against the white painted wood and hit her fist against it tearlessly.

Turning around she saw her bedroom.

Her disheveled bed.

Her framed photograph of herself and her father.

Her backpack.

Her chest of dr-

Her – backpack!

Kirsten quickly walked over to the backpack that was leaned up against her chest of drawers and picked it up. She then brought it over to the bed and sat there cross legged with the bag placed in front of her. Firstly she opened a pocket at the front and took out a black rolled up top. Uncurling it, she uncovered a rectangular bottle of vodka which she had unearthed in her childhood bedroom.

Uncapping it she took a sip and relished in the burning sensation it coursed through her throat.

Then she took another,

And another,

And another,

And another until she felt as if all her troubles, pains, burdens and guilt were all washed away and burned as she quickly forgot about them for she was basically sweeping everything under the rug and saying they were never to see daylight again.

Kirsten then opened the main compartment and curled her fading brunette hair behind her ear. Pushing past the clothes there she finally reached the bottom and retrieved the soft light pink shoes there,

Kirsten pulled out the ballet slippers from when she was a teenager and held them to her chest nostalgically. When Kirsten was three her mother and father took her to a ballet recital and for weeks on end afterward, a little Kirsten danced around their mansion and Caleb then decided to pay for lessons.

_Kirsten remembered bounding into her house and jumping up and down excitedly telling her mother that she had gotten the part of Cinderella in her ballet company's production. She was the youngest person ever to get the role. Her mother was so thrilled for her daughter and said that she would be in the audience saying 'that's my girl' and pointing her out. But Kirsten knew her father wouldn't be attending even though her mother said she would force him to go._

_So when Kirsten made her debut on stage, she glanced around the audition and instantly noticed the empty seat beside her mother. Then Kirsten became even more determined to dance like she had never danced before, so to show her father that she would not be disappointed and crushed again and that she never expected anything from him ever again._

_However, unbeknownst to Kirsten, her father was standing by the entrance and watching awe-struck at his beautiful Kiki and pride washed over him. Kirsten only knew he was there until she came out after the final curtain to go home_

Recovering from her memory, Kirsten took a prolonged sip but gulped it down quickly as she heard footsteps approach. Quickly, she recapped the bottle and folded it back into the top and shoved it back into the bag and throwing two pieces of chewing gum in her mouth to freshen up her breath. While she had ran away she had taken precautions in case she was found and wanted to resume drinking at home so she packed a stash into her clothes and gum to repair the damage.

Then a knock on the door.

"Come in," she called out.

The door opened and in walked Sandy.

"Hey," he breathed sitting down next to her as he crossed the room.

"Hey," she replied softly.

"I am so sorry honey," he added placing his hand on her back, "are you ok?"

"Yeh I'm fine."

"Kirsten?"

"No why wouldn't I be? I got hit by a truck while drink-driving, lashed out at my father, ran away, dyed my hair, trashed my bedroom where I grew up and found out my dad died . . . I'm just peachy thanks."

"There's no need for sarcasm."

"Oh so I can't be sarcastic but when something does go wrong in this family and it's a major thing – you and Seth use sarcastic remarks like oxygen."

"This isn't like any of those times."

"I know that," she hissed.

Bowing her head, Kirsten clutched her ballet slippers closer to her heart.

"What's that?"

"Nothing . . . just a memory," she answered, "ballet shoes my dad bought me when I was fourteen."

"Aww honey."

"No!" she barked standing up off the bed setting the shoes firmly on the quilt, "don't!"

"Don't what?"

"Don't come over all sympathetic . . . I don't need your guilt over what I said to him and I don't need your sympathy over the fact that I didn't get to apologize . . . I don't need nor want it!"

"Then what do you want Kirsten?" Sandy asked.

"I just – I just want my dad back."

With that she walked out to the backyard and set herself half-heartedly on a deckchair with her arms folded and her knees bent.

She sighed frustrated and looked out at the horizon.

Sandy returned to the kitchen, where Seth and Ryan had no moved to.

"Hey, how is she?" Seth asked immediately.

"See for yourself," he answered indicating the window.

Both boys moved to the window and search around until they saw Kirsten sitting on the deckchair looking blankly at the horizon. Tears had made their way down her cheeks but she wasn't aware that they even existed as she continued to contemplate what she had done.

She had killed her father.

"Do you think she'll be ok?" Seth enquired sadly.

"I don't honestly know son."

"We can't just leave her out there on her own."

"I know that."

"We need to talk to her, show her that we're here, this isn't like her!"

"Seth-"

"Dad, come on, you know how close they were and you know why her room ended up the way it did last night, you can't honestly expect her to be ok. I wanna be out there with her making sure I know she's ok."

"I do you do, that's where I wanna be, that's where I want you to be but at the moment she needs a little time to calm down."

"Calm down, her dad died!"

"Seth? Where's Ryan?"

As Seth and Sandy argued what was best for Kirsten, Ryan went with his instincts and went out to the back patio and crossed over silently to Kirsten.

"Kirsten?" he asked softly letting her know he was there.

Slowly and zombie like, Kirsten moved her head to look at her sandy haired son.

"Hey," she barely said, "I don't feel like talking."

"That's ok, do you want some company?"

Kirsten didn't answer.

Unswayed but her silence, Ryan sat on an adjacent deckchair facing her.

"I'm so sorry Kirsten."

Kirsten bowed her head and her darkened hair fell in front of her eyes.

"I know you and your dad were close," he continued.

"Oh really?" she asked from inside her hair.

"Yeh."

"Then why was the last thing I said to him was that he was going to die?" she spat heartbroken as she stood up facing him, "is that something a daughter would say if she loved her father?"

"I dunno."

"Why did I kill him Ryan? He died of a broken heart. I killed him," Kirsten spoke as tears threatened to leave her eyes, "why Ryan?"

Ryan could see that she was shaking uncontrollably and she was moving her head erratically searching for an answer and forcing her tears away as she held her breath.

Before he could think about what he was doing, he stood up and held a distraught Kirsten to him just as her knees buckled beneath her.

With his mother in his arms, they fell to the grass and she cried silently. Her frail body was wracked with sobs and she shook in accordance. All he did was hold her as a son would.

From the kitchen patio, Sandy saw Kirsten break down in front of Ryan and as she cried into Ryan, he made his way over to his wife and son.

"Hey," Sandy whispered to Ryan.

Kirsten didn't acknowledge Sandy.

"Hey," Ryan replied, "you wanna take it from here?"

"Yeh sure kid."

Slowly and carefully, Ryan maneuvered Kirsten into Sandy's waiting arms who was kneeling beside her.

"Sssh baby, its ok sssh," Sandy repeated soothingly as he rubbed her back.

He could feel her spine through the material.

'When had she gotten so thin?' he thought to himself as he cursed himself for not paying more attention to Kirsten.

Ryan made his way back into the house leaving Kirsten with Sandy broken on the grass in the backyard. He had no idea as to what to do with Kirsten and she prayed that she would recover from Caleb's death. Then he remembered how she thought that she was the cause of his death.

Sandy on the other hand, was beginning to fear that this was in fact Kirsten's undoing.

Depression.

Death.

Heartache.

Alcohol.

These were the ingredients of Kirsten's demise and Sandy knew he had to do something to stop Kirsten from hurting herself anymore because for all he knew she could attempt god knows what while under the influence.

He had to do something for Kirsten

Then it came to him.

One word.

Two syllables.

_Rehab.

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**Ok, this fic is finished. I'm sorry it took so look but 2 other fics have occupied my time and I had severe writers block with this one but hey I got it finished and it will bleed nicely into ''The Dearly Beloved'. I hope you enjoyed this fic because I enjoyed writing it. As always, rock on!**


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